Here is your curiosity mortal, let it fill your heart, touch your soul and caress your body. Seek the knowledge you need, become the wind, wander on mother Gaia to learn what you need. This is my message from all the gods and goddesses you will one day seek; they may not show the path you need you shall not let them take your chance to breathe.
M.Y.
Not so long ago I learned that one of my friends lost her life due to stomach cancer. We were so close years and years ago but life happened to both of us, we grew apart, we changed but we still kept in touch. We didn’t chat that often, but we kept following each other around and I remember being completely devastated when she shared a photograph on her Instagram saying that she has cancer.
I’ve had my share of this illness you see. I kicked Hodgkin Lymphoma’s ass when I was just 15 years old. I got both the chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Then it happened to my mother’s best friend, she did beat breast cancer as well, I am so proud of her for being so strong. Then it happened again. It came to my cousin’s life and in 8 months of fighting, she couldn’t handle it anymore. She left us with this huge hole in our chests, but I know that her pain does not consume her anymore so I cannot blame anyone.
Learning that this beautiful friend of mine lost her battle made me think about things which -god knows for how long- I’ve been avoiding. What am I actually doing? Do I feel happy or satisfied? What is wrong with this heart of mine?
These were the questions that I couldn’t answer. Theoretically I have everything I need. I am healthy, people around me are healthy, they are my loved ones and they are the most precious beings in my life. My family is here, they are good, they have everything they need. I’m in love with this kind and funny man. It has been almost one and a half years of being together and everyday I fall in love with him even more. I say this by meaning it, this feeling in my chest, this love never gets old. We don’t ever argue, he doesn’t hurt my feelings, he supports me in every possible way. I have my books, my journals with me. I can get lost in my thoughts by writing anytime I want. I can get lost in my pages anytime I want. I have my job, I have my future goals. You see, I am not telling you all this to feel superior, I am telling you this to understand. I do have everything I need. Then if I have all of these, why am I still like this?
Why do I still live with this pain in my chest? Why I cannot taste anything properly, why everything I do seems horrific to me, why, why on earth I live with this endless melancholy? I try to forget that it is somewhere in me, I try to forget my past, my illnesses, my bad memories but why do I still remember them? This ocean of paranoid thoughts is the enemy of mine. It is my one and only enemy I’ve been struggling through my whole life. It has been a part of me as long as I can remember. Do not get me wrong, I do not plan on giving up or losing my battle, no. The opposite, now that I realize I have everything I need, everything I got is the product of my hard work and time, I want to fight even more. I want to rip it out of my chest with my bare hands and swim in its blood to wash all my pain away. I am not a dreamer who is trying to cage the wind, I am a fighter who wants to breathe. I finally am the person I fought so hard to become, I am the person who wants to achieve her dreams.
Years have passed and I’ve just realized how lucky I am. I don’t feel embarrassed for it though, late is better than never. Will it be easy? Oh, I do not think so. However it doesn’t scare me anymore, as long as I want to live; I will always find my way to breathe.
Luster of Books 